This evening's missive is focused on that 5 square mm area of my body that is the focus of much more attention than it should get. I'm talking about the left medial (inside) interface between the bones of my leg that meet in my knee. And of course the lack of meniscal and articular cartilage that currently resides there.
The last three months as I have bridged upward from slothville to need-to-be-IM-ville I have caught the fire that comes from a positive training feedback loop. I've focused on the run and have (given my limitations) agressively pushed my body to get into long-course shape as quickly as possible. And it really worked (once again). As I dropped 24 pounds and I upped my mileage from 15 mpw to 30-45 mpw and increased my pace (and thus efficiency) I began to think that I could really train like a real triathlete (run-wise) once again. Visions of 50-60 mpw danced in my head. All the above changes were dramatically reducing the stress on my damaged knee (or so I assumed) and it was awesome that I was pushing 6 months with no injections to deal with the lack of cushioning in my left knee.
Party's over now. I'm calling Dr. Gallinat and getting another (will be my 40th-42nd injections) cycle of knee lube. I'm (tri)depressed right know. I have bad knee kharma. I'm just running 3 or so miles 4-5 times this week but it's not pain free. Worse is when I walk around it hurts a lot. without the endorphins from running I'm forced to deal directly with a knee joint that is structurally toast and now beyond the efficacious period of the drugs that I need to function at the level I'd like to function at (or at least within a few zip codes of the level I'd like to function at). As we go forwrd, I hope with 3 injections over 15 days and another 15 days of residence time I'll be able to run again relatively pain free and approach the miles I need to pursue my objectives this season.
But it's difficult to not be a bit sad and feeling sorry for myself right now. I'm super motivated to run a lot. I've committed to focusing on the run. I'd absolutely run 60 miles a week if I could and let the rest of the chips fall as they may. But I CAN'T. Periodic illusions fool me into thinking I can once again be the runner i was (hardcore) but the reality is my knee is f'ed up. right now it's hard to walk. When i run on the treadmill I have to be careful to not trip when I get these knife like shots of pain when my bones meet each other. Out on the trails its not unusual for me to get a blast of pain and fall to the ground---very embarrassing.
It's really hard not to worry with this going on. It's also hard to not feel a bit bummed and sorry for myself. If only I could run as much as I wanted to I could actually achieve....
Now the deal for me is to remember that the last 13 cycles of knee injections have all worked pretty well and I've always been able to get a few months of reprieve from the chronic pain. I'm trying to tell myself that it will happen again. Of-course I'll lose 30+ days of high quality training during which I'll struggle to get as much training fitness as I can while fighting the "what's the point" feeling. Brooding in a larger sense is the knowledge that my knee is dying (and me too ultimately) and I don't have much longer to do what i want to do athletically.
So psychology is important now. I know that I am bummed by what I have lost and am now losing. But I also know that I am blessed and with any luck my next cycle of injections will bring me back--at least for a little while longer....
I'm thankful but it is hard and scary once again....
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